Devotional thoughts for God’s Family – 1
Hebrews 12:15 (ESV): See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled.
Number two:
Needs – Unmet – Pain – Anger – Fear
Sometimes, (and for some, often) we have experiences in our lives where our needs are not met. It’s super important that you know what is going on in you.
One time many years ago I was in a ministry setting and at the church we had a visitor. This was no ordinary visitor. Actually, it was the man who taught to me the very things I am teaching you right now.
I saw this man as a mentor because the truths and principles of God’s word that he taught were so life changing to me. I had never heard them before and they brought a congruency with the Word of God and how life could be and should be lived. Every opportunity that I had to go to his home state and sit under his teaching, I went – it was life giving.
He came to visit as he often would to teach from the platform and also to the staff during the week. On one particular day my friend and mentor was teaching in a small group which I was a part of and in the middle of the session when I was talking, my boss barked an order at me that was truly humiliating and required me to leave the room in shame.
I felt humiliated and dishonored. But, I went out of the room as ordered.
It was an accident, but it was also very painful. Many times people relieve themselves’s of responsibility because they “didn’t mean to do it.” Thats like letting the person who runs into the the back of your car at a stop light off of responsibility because they didn’t mean to do it. Its not worse or better if a person meant to or not. The one that got hit, is still hit.
I had that same God given need of acceptance and attention that I shared in the last story, only more so, being young and growing in my ministry legs. The mentor even came to find me and sat with me later (not my boss) because he saw the impact of the strong words by my boss. My mentor knew my heart. Certainly forgiveness was given and the relationship was repaired.
I had a need for acceptance and approval, a true God given need. That need went unmet. And I felt some pain. I am sure that you can relate. We all have had these experiences and my heart goes out to you if you are in the middle of a season like I was.
That pain will turn to anger if it is not addressed and that anger will cause some “not good” things to occur. Ultimately, that anger will turn hard and form into a fear covering that motivates us to react and respond in spite and resentment.
I could have stayed angry at my boss. And that anger could have turned into resentment. And as we work together to try to accomplish God’s work, we would have become divided because of a hurt and what I have done with the hurt.
Don’t ever feel justified in resentment or division. They are not right and they are unhealthy and detrimental ways of dealing with your God given needs not being met. So don’t make matters worse.
Yes, forgiveness was offered and yes, my relationship with my boss was and to this day is very good.
Yes, you are going to face many places and situations where your God given needs are not met.
Needs – Unmet – Pain – Anger – Fear
To experience pain and anger is by no means sinful. But, when we walk in fear – we do step into sin. More on how that works later.
For today I would like you to search your soul a bit and recognize that maybe you have some needs that have not been met or maybe on the other end there are some people in your life that you feel, “Well, I didn’t mean to do that so it doesn’t matter.” I wonder what God might be up to with all this. Maybe a little “I forgive…. Or a little “I’m sorry” might do the trick.
Lord, these aren’t things we like to think about, let alone feel. Please give us strength to look into the places that exist in and between us and others. Lord, sometimes we shut ourselves down and deny the very way You made us so that we don’t run the risk of asking anyone for anything. Father, we repent of that because that’s not the best, that You have for us. Thank You that by faith, through Jesus I can be in a community of people who really can meet my needs and I can meet theirs.
Devotional thoughts for God’s Family – 2
This is so important, allow me to give you another example.
Early in our marriage, Karen and I would fight; it wasn’t normal though. Almost every Sunday afternoon we would argue. After we had lunch Karen would like to take a nap, and I am not a napper. Even to this day, I do not nap much, and Karen is good at it – haha.
She would get angry with me if I would leave the house when she was taking a nap. And I would get angry with her because it shouldn’t really matter what I did if she was asleep.
You can easily project your thoughts and experiences into this old story, but I want you to suspend all that so you can see what God wants to do with needs met and unmet.
Our fight went on for several years, almost every weekend we would be divided. We would square off and who ever had the most gusto won. And the end result was deeper hurt and resentment. There was no solution because we were both right…and we were both wrong too. That’s a tough combination to maneuver through, isn’t it?
Philippians 2:3–4 (ESV): Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. 4 Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.
Galatians 6:2 (ESV): Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.
Romans 12:15 (ESV): Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.
Around this same time we were stretching a bit in our maturity and growth. We started leading marriage workshops. We were away at a large venue leading and one particular teaching was on how our childhoods impact the way we relate inside of our marriages. And Karen began to share about her father and his long fight against cancer.
I was privileged to know Alfred for a short time when Karen and I were first married, but he was so sick. When Karen grew up, her dad was often away in the VA hospital. She would be left home and would stay with relatives and neighbors so she could stay in school.
As she was sharing this in more detail at the marriage workshop showing the participants how to investigate childhood experiences with current relationship events, the sorrow of that past experience overwhelmed her and she started to weep…right there in front of 120 people.
Its ok, it was her time. It opened the door for many people in that large room to grieve too, it was beautiful.
As we reflected on the situation, the Lord helped me understand that Karen had a need that I was not meeting. A God given need for security existed deep in her as she did not have hardly any security as a little girl. No one’s fault, just the way it was.
Need – Unmet – Pain – Anger – Fear
Karen had a need, she needed me to stay around on Sunday afternoon and help her to feel secure. I didn’t meet that need and it caused pain. That pain turned into anger as we would fight about it, and we both thought how silly it was, but we didn’t understand how deep it was either. All the while God was wanting healing for us both.
Karen was afraid I was leaving her and I was afraid of being controlled by her. We were both right, and we were both wrong.
Friends, we do this all the time. God wants us to be healed and to not continue to anticipate the pain of being alone. He wants us to be vulnerable and to trust each other. He wants us to bear each other’s burdens.
Once I realized this, I told Karen that I wouldn’t leave her alone on Sundays. And that is exactly what I did. I stayed home so she could feel secure. It wasn’t but a month or two of doing that and she told me to go do what I wanted to do on Sundays.
It’s amazing when we love each other, God does wonderful things. From that day forward we have looked for places in each other’s life that God may want us to bring healing. I believe that Karen is the greatest healing agent in my life, and I am that for her.
Recognizing needs and unmet needs is critical to developing relational intimacy.
Lord, thank You for bringing Karen into my life. Thank You for blessing us with children and a grand child. You are so good. May it be Lord, that as our young ones grow, they would know a depth of intimacy in their lives that makes You happy. Thank You Lord.
Devotional thoughts for God’s Family – 3
Philippians 2:3-4 Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.
So, let’s dig in a bit today. As a review, we are made by God perfectly needy.
Everyone runs the potential of having relational needs met and unmet.
Needs do not originate through the fall of man (Genesis 3), God presents to us our neediness in Genesis chapter 2. Therefore, we have two conditions that God deals with, one being our aloneness and the other our fallenness.
When in a healthy environment and our needs are met – intimacy, increased faith, joy and gratitude increase. When in an environment where needs are not met – pain, anger and fear is the result. Pain and anger are not sinful – however acting out in fear in most cases is sinful.
Now, one of the ways that we act out in our fear is to become selfish. At first glance we would see selfishness as a very horrible thing that leads to so many other sins in our life. But if you could look at the sin of selfishness not only from the sin perspective, but from the aloneness perspective you might then see a way through to life change. Because this is how God sees it.
Remember, we have two conditions – fallen and alone.
It is one thing to tell a person to stop sinning and another to show why the sin is there and how to remedy what leads to the sin.
When I act selfishly, I am actually trying to meet a God given need by myself. I am not letting God meet my need through others. Let’s suppose that I have a need for affirmation and approval. So, when given the opportunity, I grab attention and rush to opportunities to speak, I see myself as the one who should be in charge or the one with the right words to say. I interrupt others and cut them off mid-sentence. I become critical of others and cannot receive from others because there is a burning selfish spirit in me.
We might call this pride or spiritual pride. I have inflated my value to others so that they will see my value. I am selfishly taking from others rather than allowing others to genuinely meet my needs.
Selfishly taking from others is like saying, “I don’t trust God to meet my needs and I don’t trust others either, so I am going to meet my own needs.”
We end up stepping outside of God’s provision for meeting our needs and we simply believe that we can take care of ourselves. And sometimes on the outside it looks very religious and other times it looks so evil.
Meeting our own needs can look like we are “anointed” or capable and strong. Others can even look at the selfish taker and think that they are supposed to be more like them. There is a God given need, but we clearly step outside of His wonderful provision for us and meet our own needs.
On the other hand, maybe it would be easier to describe selfish taking from a more familiar viewpoint. Often when I am selfishly taking it is usually a substance or an activity. And the sad thing is, because we only look through the lens of sin, we categorize our selfish taking into that which is acceptable and that which is not. (Again, not how God looks at it at all.)
To take drugs or to take another woman, or to take revenge is a very bad thing. However, to take sleep, sports or food is completely acceptable, well…not to God. (Sometimes we will justify our behavior by saying, “Well, its not sin.”)
He sees you with two conditions and when we operate in denial of either, it is a “not good” situation. The activity or substance we selfishly take is not as detrimental in most cases as the lifestyle of selfishly taking that robs us of true intimacy with God and others.
God’s remedy for the selfish taker is to trust God and to trust others. God’s big heart for us is to slow down and be patient with others, giving to them the opportunity to meet our needs. And most of all, learn how to open up and be vulnerable. Did I just lose you? Are you going to run off and do what you do best?
Friend, God knows best. He knows exactly how He made you. He knows exactly what you need. He has good provision for you, will you trust Him? Sometimes we live so long selfishly taking that we don’t even think it is possible anymore for God or anyone else to meet our needs.
Listen, God has a way for you to get back into His provision, simply talk to Him about it. That is the best starting place. Agree with Him about how He made You and then tell God you are sorry for the selfish taking and ask Him to start to meet your needs according to His plans.
And then put yourself in a place where that can happen. If you go one time and it doesn’t happen and you throw in the towel, that’s not a road for change, that’s a road for self-aggrandizement. You didn’t want change to begin with, go with faith!
Hint: CARE GROUP, SMALL GROUP, LIFE GROUP whatever you call the small gatherings of people who share life together, find one quickly.
Romans 12: 1-2 I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.
Father, thank You for how we are made. I confess my neediness and accept Your provision for my life. Help me to be patient and understanding of those You have put in my life. Let me see You in them rather that criticizing and rejecting them because of this or that. I need You and I need them. Lord, let me not be a selfish taker, turn me into a radical giver. Thank You Jesus!
Devotional thoughts for God’s Family – 4
Genesis 2:18 Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.“
Genesis 2:25 And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.
There is another way that we step outside of God’s provision on a regular basis.
The first and I think the most common is to selfishly take, which communicates to those around us that we love, “I don’t trust God and I don’t trust you.” Even though we don’t want to communicate this, our life does the talking, it is the reality.
The second is to be self-reliant.
The selfish-taker knows full well they are needy, they simply give no place to others to meet the God given relational needs. The self-reliant communicates, “I am not needy.” They live their life like a rock. They actually believe that to have needs is a huge sign of weakness. So, those people who do need are some form of sub-human creature. Most often this person hyper spiritualizes their self-reliance.
In conversations when the topics is around pain, sorrow or hurt, they will often say things like, “Well, I just take it to my prayer closet.” Man does that sound spiritual! You might be left wondering, “Who is this mighty Christian person?” …Don’t be fooled for one second.
Prayer closets are needed in a believer’s life – there are many things that belong there and there are some things that do not. And when God says, “It is not good for man to be alone”, He isn’t talking about sex! He is addressing the way He made you.
There are many relational needs that God wants you to have met outside of the prayer closet.
“Well Pastor, doesn’t the Bible say that we are to cast all our care upon God because He cares for us? Doesn’t that mean that I should circumvent people and just have God meet my relational needs?”
Simply put… NO!
In the prayer closet you ask God to meet your needs through others. The prayer closet is not in leu of others. The prayer closet is the catalyst to others meeting your needs.
We should prayer right now, because I am pushing against religion and religious spirits.
God because Your word tells me that I am made perfectly needy, I ask You to bring those into my life who I can trust to meet my needs and I choose today to meet their needs too. Lord, help me to investigate what in my life has lead me to assume that I have no needs, because Your word clearly tells me that it is not good for me to be alone. Lord, I confess that I have operated outside of what You want for me. Please help me feel what You intended for me and to reach out to trust others. Help me become a good friend to others. Jesus, You are a friend to me and I can learn from You, thank You.
For the stout hearted: You might be wondering why I included Genesis 2:25 in the introduction, talking about nakedness and all that. It brought great glory to God that His people (Adam and Eve) felt no shame and they knew each other well… very well.
They were able to exist fully known. They were so vulnerable they didn’t even know what it meant to be vulnerable. They didn’t even know what shame was until Genesis chapter three.
Listen, the blood of Jesus reestablishes that ability…please keep your clothes on for all of our sakes. Our hearts are what is in focus. How naked is your heart to at least one other person on earth? Is there anyone in your life that you are capable of being known, really known? If not, then you are bought into self-reliance. Fight against self-reliance and make yourself known.
Devotional thoughts for God’s Family – 5
1 John 3:1 See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are.
1 John 4:17 By this is love perfected with us, so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as he is so also are we in this world.
I have one more way that we regularly step outside of God’s provision that I feel we need to talk about before we move on.
We have identified selfish taking and self-reliance, both of which thrust a person deeper into the pain of aloneness if adopted as a way of life. We have concluded that God has no desire for you to be alone and has made excellent provision for you.
Actually, He has made a three-tiered system for you to have your needs met.
1. Marriage relationship
2. Family relationships
3. Community (Church) relationships
Now, back to the third.
Self-condemnation – the first two are somewhat on the surface, this one is very sinister. Not the person who employs it, the enemy who constructs it in the lives of the unsuspecting. Let’s dig in a little bit.
Selfish-taking = I don’t trust God or others to meet my needs.
Self-reliance = I don’t have any needs.
Self-condemnation = I am not worth having my needs met.
The latter one is so powerful, if you struggle with it, simply reading about it and thinking about it moves you to emotion.
The underlying sorrow of self-condemnation centers around a belief that there is something flawed or broken about you that keeps people from loving you. So, you do things and act against you character and scruples to get people to love you.
The end result is more pain, shame and sorrow because they didn’t meet your need. They used you, stole from you and rejected you. They used you in their selfish-taking and you now are a bundle of hurt. I am so sorry for what you are feeling and believing about yourself.
Let me begin by saying that you are loved, no matter what you think about yourself. There is a cycle that you are stuck in and if the cycle isn’t broken you are going to be stuck your whole life. Who wants that? (that’s rhetorical – don’t answer that)
How about we break that cycle this morning so that you can be free. I am so excited for you, I feel joy for you right now, my heart is happy because God has made a way and I would love to show you how to seize His way. It isn’t going to be handed to you, you have to grab it for yourself, seize it!
Let’s cut-to-the-chase, bottom-line-it, so-to-speak.
Maybe you know and maybe you don’t, doesn’t matter, but somewhere along your life there was an event or events that communicated to you that you are not worthy of love. Whoever’s fault it was, it doesn’t matter. Why you ask?
Because they are not here to take responsibility, are they? Look around, do you see them? They are not coming back to treat you with the love and respect that you deserve. I am glad they are not here, because honestly the only person that can get you where God wants you to be, is you!
I sound so tough… but I really am not. I want to be firm with you because you need this more than I can say. You have been held prisoner, not by what someone else has done, but by what you came to believe about yourself through it.
Ok, before you throw your phone against the wall, and hire a hitman to take me out, listen to me. (actually, those should be reversed if you are going to be an efficient murderer.)
In no way would I ever diminish the things that you have experienced in life. You couldn’t tell, but I stopped writing and thought about the things that I have experienced and the heavy toll I paid because of them. I am right there with you.
I wish you were not alone in reading this, but maybe it is a good start for you. What has happened to you was horrible, and at the same time the beliefs that you are led to adopt about yourself, others and even God are equally as horrible.
The stuckness (new word you can use) you feel isn’t because of what happened. If that were the case, then everyone who has gone through what you did would have the same stuckness as you. But, not everyone does, because there are those who understand that there is a difference between what I experience and what I believe about what I experience.
If I am told as a child that I am worthless and won’t amount to anything, it would make sense that I would hold onto beliefs of worthlessness as an adult. Because I am perfectly needy being made this way by God, chances are I am going to retreat into myself and conclude that I am not worth having my needs met.
I might engage in self-depreciating behavior in attempts to get my needs met. I will do things that I know are wrong and feel shame and disappointment for doing so, and continue the cycle of being critical toward and devaluing myself.
The mental gymnastics of self-condemnation is staggering. God’s desire is that no one would stay in this, just like the other two ways that we step outside of His provision to get our needs met.
Are you ready to get this off your back?
Here is how you break the cycle.
Accept the truth of your value by shifting your focus off of what happened and what you believe about what happened, whether you did it or someone else, it doesn’t matter because it all adds up to the same thing. Shift your focus to what Jesus did on the cross for you.
Stay there, it works. It is the only thing that works, it will work. Now is the perfect time to change. Changing the way you think about your event(s) will not let the person off. You don’t need to hold onto it, it’s too heavy – God can hold onto it for you. He won’t forget the high price you have paid. And He won’t let you forget the high price His Son has paid too.
That’s the key, really. The blood of Jesus is the answer. A greater person, gooder (new word you can use) than you, paid a higher price than you, for you. Let that be what you choose to believe.
God values you higher and paid a higher price, He demands that you are costly and worth the price. He paid it in blood. Stop believing your value only goes as high as the worst event in your life. Cast it away! Cut it off! Demand, scream it out of you right now! And ask God to teach you about your value. Go to the Word of God and ask the Holy Spirit to help you see your value.
Hint: His value makes your value.
I look forward to talking more about this with you sometime.
Lord, I speak a special prayer to those who struggle with self-condemnation. Lord of heaven, You see it all, You know it all. In the hearts of all your children You have planted the seeds of truth. For my brothers and sisters, let the enemy’s schemes be revealed and cast away. So that the truth of Your great love can come rushing in. God, what does darkness have to do with the light? So we cast darkness away – please give courage, boldness and wisdom to those who are breaking the cycle in the name of Jesus.
Blessings
Pastor D
(Please call off the hitman)
